Owning the Joy: A Kilimanjaro Sunrise and the Courage to Receive Delight

Feb 16

A Journey on Kilimanjaro

Many, many years ago (Eons, it seems.), I traveled with a group of mostly Canadians and my now-husband to hike up Mt. Kilimanjaro, that snowy peak at the world’s equator in Africa. Folks back home didn’t believe him when the missionary Johannes Rebmann described the white-capped mountain in the tropics.

It was delightful and awe-inspiring to trek through jungle to alpine-like meadows to moonscape to frozen soreness to a sunrise summit of Gilman’s Point. I was entranced, to say the least, at the magnificence. And proud of myself for my level of fitness and my perseverance through altitude sickness. And yet. And yet.

The Moment the View Arrived—and I Was Not Present

What were the first words out of my mouth when I arrived at the vista of glorious sunrise over the snowy expanse?

Was it, “Oh my gawd! I can’t believe how amazing this is!?”
Or “Holy sh**! This is phenomenal!?”
Or was it, “How magnificent! I’m so grateful to be here!?”
Or even just, “WOW!?”

No. The first words out of my mouth totally disowned and dissociated me from the deep pleasure of my experience. “This is the dumbest f&(* in thing I have ever done." WTF. That is what I said. We do this, we humans. We spend energy and time preventing ourselves from connecting directly to the pleasurable experiences and instead, distract ourselves with guilt, self-deprecation, dismissal…

The Challenge and the Price of Self-Neglect

Arduous? Absolutely. I vomited with altitude sickness at 15,000 feet. We had been walking for 3 1/2 days at that point. We were woke at midnight when the temperature was zero-ish to trek on frozen scree in the dark. My feet were almost frozen because I hadn’t listened to myself, needing to keep going when someone in the group wanted to pause. I could have asked. A guide would have gone with me and probably others. But I didn’t trust myself or value myself enough to ask for what I needed.

And yet, at the same time as all this challenge, it was magnificent to be with these great folks in a part of the world I had dreamed of forever; to witness the layers of the land—from jungle to mountain meadow to barren fields of rocks through the darkness of night with a canopy of brilliant stars overhead; to experience the layers within my own self—having a goal, pushing through adversity to get there, and arriving, as well as the spiritual element of connecting to all around me. And then, denying myself the profound moment of savoring.

The Power of Presence and the Cost of Self-Denial

The dumbest f’in thing was NOT the event itself. I say this without meanness to myself now. The dumbest f’in thing was that, because of all the unconscious inner scramblings, I wasn’t able to be present with myself for myself in the moment. Instead, the guilt and shame that were so deeply engrained tumbled out without censorship or filtering.

We do this, we humans, every time someone compliments us and we demure, we default to our auto-response of “It’s nothing” or “no no.” We deny ourselves the pleasure of knowing and loving and delighting in ourselves and what we’re doing while we’re doing it.

A Turning Point: Gratitude, Self-Trust, and the Power of Asking

I look at her now, this then newly-minted 30-year-old, and I thank her. I thank her for showing me her (our) intrepidness, her strength—physical and mental, her courage in doing-it-anyway, her relentless desire and spirit as well as her uncertainty and lack of confidence and self-esteem. I thank her for teaching me how essential it is to trust myself and ask for what I want and need. I have no doubt that, if I had asked for help continuing when others wanted to stop and rest, the guides would have arranged it and I would have reached Uhuru, the farther summit. But I didn’t honor my knowledge of how pausing would bring such iciness to my feet that I would need to stop.

I thank her for the wisdom (At the same time as she denied herself the asking, she later listened!) to honor her frozen feet and NOT go farther, risking even more dangerous frostbite. It all counts. Because WE count.

Core Beliefs: You Are Worth the Work and the Joy

We are worth the work it takes to develop self-awareness. We are worth the commitment to do so and the stumbling that accompanies that commitment. We are worth the work it requires to keep moving in the direction of where we want to be. We are worth the effort to begin again and again and again across and throughout our lifetime. We are worth the work. WE ARE ALSO WORTH THE JOY, THE PLEASURE, THE EASE, THE DELIGHT along the way, of the moment as the moment occurs, in celebration of who we are and what we do as we are and do it. We are worth the pleasure.

Actionable Takeaway: Start Today, Catch the Habit, Say “Thank You”

Starting today, why not catch yourself when you begin to default to the habit. When someone gives you a compliment of ANY kind, why not say, “Thank you?”

Instead of falling into “Oh, it’s nothing,” how about interrupting yourself and saying, “Thanks! I’m really happy with it.”

Starting today. Committing to, once a day, noticing, catching yourself, and allowing that drop of delight. I promise you, it’s possible. It’s do-able. And it's totally, absolutely, wonderfully worth it. You’re worth it!